A number of rumors about sex toys have been fabricated over the years – but this myth needs to be shut down fast, says sex guru Nadia Bokody.
An official knock echoes through my apartment door.
It’s that time of year again – my annual rental inspection; also known as the day I have to find somewhere to conceal my rapidly growing sex toy collection from my real estate agent.
There’s no denying my job has many perks; being sent adult freebies from brands hoping to score a mention in this column is certainly one.
But I’ve reached a point where I’m stumped for places to house the X-rated deliveries that show up in my PO Box every week. (If Martha Stewart could make a YouTube tutorial on creative ways to repurpose unwanted dildos, I’d be forever grateful. Quirky coat rack, perhaps??)
Jokes aside, it may surprise some readers to learn I wasn’t always this stocked up on vibratory
In fact, a few years ago, the most titillating thing you were likely to find in my bedside drawer was a selfie stick (look, I’m not proud of it, but I may have been seen wielding it in public more than once).
Like a lot of women, I’d bought into the lie purchasing a vibrator was a tragic act reserved for desperate singletons unable to find a man.
That it would never be as good as the “real thing”, and I’d likely become desensitised and consequently forever ruined for sex.
I now know these far-fetched myths are born out of a desire to keep women sexually subdued, not to protect us from bad sex or spinsterhood.
Our culture has a long history of demonising sexual women, largely because women who are
empowered in their sexuality stand to jeopardise a system that relies on their sexual compliance.
If a woman no longer views “finding a man” as a primary goal, and is in charge of her own pleasure, she’s far less likely to be easily controlled or manipulated.
Whether or not men are interested in her becomes entirely inconsequential, because her pleasure and sense of self aren’t dependent on male validation.
It’s no coincidence I write a column dedicated to helping women become more confident in their sexuality and also receive gargantuan amounts of hate mail almost exclusively from men.
There is power – and in turn, a certain threat posed to a culture that prioritises male desire at all costs – in women understanding and owning their pleasure.
It’s why we put so much energy into teaching girls their bodies are built for sacrifice and discomfort, carefully avoiding acknowledging the joy they’re able to feel.
If pleasure – and by default, comfort – feels foreign, she’ll be less likely to grow into a woman who speaks up for herself a work, prioritises her own needs in relationships, or acknowledges her pain when she’s having the kind of sex she’d rather not be having.
It will feel righteous then, to call her sensitive or an “over-reactor” when she actually attempts to give her discomfort a voice. And she will be far more likely to swallow the propaganda, too.
DAMAGING VIBRATOR MYTHS
So, at the risk of upsetting even more men, I’m going to dispel a few other damaging myths about vibrators.
Not just because I wholeheartedly feel every woman should experience the unadulterated ecstasy of on-demand orgasms, but because it’s my belief investing in a vibrator is the first step on the path to female empowerment.
MYTH 1: VIBRATORS DESENSITISE YOU
I’m not entirely sure how this idea has gained so much traction, because it has about as much scientific basis as JLo’s claim a steady diet of olive oil can preserve the skin in time at age 23.
There is absolutely no credible research to prove it, and it defies basic logic.
Consider this: I put $2 in one of those vibrating massage chairs every time I’m at Westfield, and last time I checked, I hadn’t lost feeling in my back and neck.
Vibrations simply help promote blood flow to the area, which serves to increase (not decrease)
sensitivity and is consequently why they’re so effective at bringing most women to climax.
If you return to using your hand or your partner’s penis, you’ll still be able to experience
pleasure, it just won’t be as intense. (Which is why my personal go-to is the vibrator-plus-partner melange – a truly unbeaten combo).
MYTH 2: VIBRATORS ARE A THREAT TO MEN
This is in part true, but it really only applies to the most desperately insecure men.
Speaking as a woman who has been happily coupled with a man for four years, if your sexual
partner is confident in himself and his bedroom abilities, he won’t be threatened by a sex toy.
Conversely, it will turn him on. It’s a two-for-one deal: he gets to watch you having your way
with him and getting off on your vibe at the same time. I mean, it’s basically real-life porn. What guy would complain about that??
MYTH 3: VIBRATORS ARE ADDICTIVE
The Sex & The City episode where Charlotte gets addicted to her rabbit vibrator seems to
have led a lot of women to hold the bizarre belief they’ll end up holed up in their bedroom
for days on end, forgoing food, water and sunlight in pursuit of endless orgasms.
I’m sorry to burst Michael Patrick King’s bubble here, but there’s a reason the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) doesn’t include a section on vibrator
Whether you use your vibrator once a week or a few times a day really doesn’t matter. There’s no correct number of times for your body to experience pleasure within a set time
Unless you’re legitimately calling in sick to stay home with your vibe often enough to be at actual risk of losing your job, you’re good to keep going, girlfriend.